Earlier that week, he asked me if he can invite people over for to watch a fight on TV and have poker afterwards. I told him, maybe we can hold off on this one, since our dog just had a litter (again, so soon) , and I was ashamed to tell people that 'we' let this happen to our poor dog. He gave me a look which I knew - he didn't respond, but I understood that he wasn't going to take that as a final answer. More on the dog-getting-pregnant later on.
By Friday, I can tell the tension continued to mount. He brought it up again, and when I repeated my answer, he said, "I can't even have people over my own house" and "Its my house, too" "Why am I being punished just because the dog had puppies?" So I explained to him, "Can you just let this one go? I've never denied you your fight or poker parties, can I just say no this one time?" He started slamming things, making a lot of noise to intimidate me. I asked him, "Why are you like that? Why do you always have to get mad when you can't get your way? Can't you just do this thing for me?" He said forget it, but continued to shoot poisonous glares at me, and mumbled god-knows-what under his breath. I went upstairs to where he was and I tried to talk to him calmly. I told him, "it always feels like you punish me if I don't do what you want; but I just really dont' want to have this party; I always give in to you, don't I?" That set him off - he said "What, you mean you don't fight back when we fight? You always have to say something back to me. You just can't shut up when I'm mad about something, like right now?" I asked him, "I'm only responding to what you are saying to me. Am I supposed to just take it if you are throwing things at me, intimidating me, belittling me? I have tried just staying quiet before, just to let you go on your rampage but that seemed to make it worse!" He said, "Just shut up and get out of my face!"
I went downstairs. All this yelling woke up my napping two year old boy. He wasn't crying, but I saw this worried look on his face. He came barreling down the stairs, then just like a switch he put on his sweetest voice and said hello to our son. He started cuddling with him like nothing was going on. He sat on the couch, and looked back at me with the most menacing face. He cut off the internet. I already knew it. He knows about my good work ethic, and knows I am very responsible when it comes to my job. He knows he can cause me more stress if he does this. I said, "Can you just please turn the internet back on so I can keep working?" He said, "Dont' use that computer for work, who said you can do that anyway? Why don't you use the computer work gave you?" (As he grabs it and throws it on the floor) I told him I liked using the home computer because it was bigger and more comfortable. I asked him why it mattered? Besides, didnt HE give me this computer for Christmas two years ago? Isn't it supposed to be mine, and I should be able to do what I want to with it? He said, "Fine, well you can't use the router, because THAT's MINE! I paid for it" Ugh, I didn't want to go down that road, so I just went upstairs, away from him.
I took my phone, checked emails on that, and just started reading my book. He came upstairs, shot me another menacing look and said, "Are you making the situations worse? Are you texting right now?" He walked towards me with a crazed look on his face, and I thought maybe, Oh No, he's going to take the phone, too" But he stopped and walked the other way. He thought that I might be texting someone, telling a friend what is happening.
Somewhere in the beginning I YM'd a couple of our friends asking if he had promised them about watching the fight at our house, I was thinking maybe he'd already told them that we were having people over before he even asked me. But he KNEW I ym'd them. He KNEW which person I talked to. How did he know? He's looked through my emails before. Was he watching me every second on the computer now, too?
He said, "FUCK IT, I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of nothing. I'll just tell everyone that's why [the puppies] you don't want to have people over, and its all gonna come out that you're making a big deal out of nothing! You think I'm bluffing? You're so stupid about it, I'm just gonna do it. Its not my fault that stupid dog got pregnant anyway, that was under your watch!"
Then, in a moment of clarity and strength, I called him on it. I said calmly, "You know what, do it. I'm not going to stop you from going through with your threats any more. If you do that, people will realize that you just basically disregarded my feelings about this, and people know I am an easy going person and would not create conflict over trivial things. Do it, and you will just show people who the real asshole is." I can see when it it hit him. I was right.
My whole issue about the dog getting pregnant is this: My hands get so full of what needs to be done around the house, I just can't do it all. Between taking care of the kids, taking care of the dogs, the chores, and my full job, something slips. I really do not get much help. It would be easy for him to give people the impression of "well, you know - she just kinda let that happen" and it wont' bother him (almost enjoys it) to show me in that light, that I'm the irresponsible one. Of course it easier for him to have the image of a well-put together person - he is the one who doesn't have much to do.
And why, why would he do something to deliberately keep me from working, doing my job, the job that helps pay the bills? That is just crazy to me. And its too much that he even looks/spies on my instant messages and email. I told him we have to work on this problem, its just not normal to behave this way. He said in a sarcastic, mocking tone, "Well, I'm glad you're getting something out of your therapy sessions. Counseling is a bunch of bull, its so one way. Counseling will be the end of this marriage!" That statement is so wrong at so many levels. I reminded him me going to therapy was HIS idea because he no longer wanted me to confide in our friends. "Its so one way" he says, when I've begged him many times before that we go to counseling together but would never agree. "Counseling will be the end of this marriage" he says. That, just does not make any sense.
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